Ninety-Five Theses re: Taeyeon and Baekhyun

Taeyeon and Baekhyun

Kpop has manufactured itself another controversy, this time questioning the relationship of Taeyeon and Baekhyun. Is it love, conspiracy, misunderstanding? Who cares. These are my ninety-five theses.

Taeyeon

1. In 1517, Martin Luther posted his ninety-five theses to the door of Castle Church of Wittenberg, forever changing the direction of Christianity.

2. 500 years later, paparazzi posted images of the undercover relationship between Girls’ Generation’s Taeyeon and Exo’s Baekhyun, sparking an internet controversy.

3. Taeyeon is 25 years old, Baekhyun 22. It is rumored that both are capable of making their own decisions, but SM Entertainment has yet to confirm.

4. Some fans are upset.

5. Some fans are revolting. Yes, that sentence can be read two ways.

Baekhyun

6. It is thought that Martin Luther had no real intention of revolution, but that he was simply stating an objection to the current state of affairs.

7. A saesang fan is one who is defined by their obsession, who stalks and invades an idol’s privacy.

8. Idols often tell their fans that they love them.

9. Dispatch took a really great picture of Baekhyun looking at his phone.

10. It is estimated that there are 7.2 billion people on earth right now. Taeyeon and Baekhyun, together, make up 0.000000000277% of all human beings.

11. When I search through the trash left by SNSD and find a boxed meal with Taeyeon’s name on it, it’s so cute what she leaves behind for me. I always finish your rice for you, Taeyeon!

12. There have been suggestions that this is all an elaborate conspiracy designed by SM Entertainment to distract the public from Kris’s exit.

13. Suggestions are cheap.

14. Exo don’t need more attention, they need less.

15. Beast released a great new album last week, Good Luck. You should check it out.


16. The printing press would be influential in the spread of Luther’s theses. Much like today’s internet, the printing press turned one man’s question into a large-scale controversy.

17. Exo has lost 200,000 members from their Fan Cafe.

18. Baekhyun and Taeyeon’s Wikipedia pages have both been updated to include their relationship.

19. Meanwhile, the world has rumbled on. Have you heard about the problems in Iraq?

20. Or the soldier who shot his colleagues in Goseong? Or the World Cup even?

21. Girls’ Generation is dead because Taeyeon has been replaced by an evil twin-whore it’s not her it can’t be because Taeyeon is mine she loves me she loves me SHE LOVES ME!

22. In the beginning, mother Kpop gave birth to twins, Fan and Anti-fan. Living a blessed life in a field of dreams, Fan and Anti-fan were inseparable as children. Anti-fan, though, grew bored with perfection.

23. While playing by a stream one day, Anti-fan snuck away from his brother. After sharpening his nails against a river stone, Anti-fan peeled a hole in the skin of his stomach and wriggled out from his shell. He was elated by the harshness of a world without skin. Every tree branch, every breeze, was pain and pain was glorious life. But he was alone.

24. Anti-fan patched up the hole in his former skin, and blew air inside to fill the void. Breathing life into his other, he named him Saesang, his true brother.

25. I once sent my used tampon to Baekhyun, which everyone told me was weird, but it was okay because obviously he knew it was me.

26. You should also check out debut group, Mamamoo. Really good.


27. Fans who are against Taeyeon and Baekhyun dating are quick to point out that they have very good reasons for being upset about someone else’s relationship.

28. Marcel Proust described love as an “incurable disease,” as “permanent suffering.”

29. Though he was grateful to his brother, Saesang did not care for Anti-fan. While running away, he stumbled through a thicket of weed to discover the beautiful Kpop, bathing in a pure-blue stream.

30. Saesang was enamored. He had never seen someone so beautiful. He waited until she finished, then jumped out of the brush as she emerged from the water. Startled, mother Kpop slipped on a river stone. Her skull crashed open against the rocks.

31. Exo is dead because Baekhyun has been replaced by an evil twin-whore it’s not him it can’t be because Baekhyun is mine he loves me he loves me HE LOVES ME!

32. When asked in interviews, idols often describe being afraid of their fans.

33. Looking for his mother, Fan was mortified to find his brothers standing over Kpop’s lifeless body. Saesang denied anything had happened. But Anti-fan smeared his mother’s blood across his skinless body, and laughed at the beauty of so much pain.

34. AOA is worth a watch too.


35. Luther had ninety-five theses, but this is the internet. Get over Taeyeon and Baekhyun.




Zander Stachniak is a southern-born, Chicago-based writer who first discovered Kpop through ShoutCast Radio. His biases are f(x) and Block B.

1 comments:

  1. Oh my god you're awesome. Why did I not come earlier? ^^

    ReplyDelete

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