Ten Future Scandals that Will Rock the Kpop World

SNSD Marrying Exo

With this year's huge outpouring of scandals, we feel like we have an idea of what's coming next. We've compiled ten future scandals that you'll be reading on Kpop websites and blogs within the year. Look at these news stories as the Ghost of Future Scandal, a glimpse at where Kpop is headed. Let's get started!

10. All of Exo-K is Dating SNSD, Will Marry

Just as the world has finally recovered from the news of Taeyeon and Baekhyun’s relationship, Kpop fans were devastated last week to discover that Jessica is dating Suho, Hyoyeon is dating D.O, Seohyun is dating Kai, Yuri is dating Chanyeol, and Sunny is dating Sehun. SM has announced that Tiffany, Yoona, and Sooyoung, already in relationships themselves, will become a bridesmaids subgroup at the Exo-SNSD Wedding Music Bank Special next month. Thousands have died.

9. Leeteuk Exposed as Having Actually Done ‘Army Stuff’

In a bizarre turn of events, Super Junior’s Leeteuk has been exposed as having actually gone to the army and, like, actually having done stuff. Reporters that broke the story were incredulous. “I don’t understand,” said one. “There weren’t any sets at all. It was like the country expected him to stop being better than everyone else. I didn’t like it.” Though Leeteuk has returned to Kpop and been awarded his full set of extended rights again, the entire country is shaken by the disturbing news. A cadre of male Kpop stars is believed to be organizing a union to ensure that nothing like this ever happens again.

8. Chansung Embroiled in Horrific Scandal

Chansung 2pm banana apple?

2pm’s Chansung, a known banana lover, has disappointed fans after pictures of him eating apples were leaked to the press. Though JYP initially questioned the legitimacy of these grainy low-res photos, Chansung has admitted to his lapse of judgment and has apologized to fans wholeheartedly in a handwritten note posted on his Instagram account. While lines like: “Believe and support in me!” and: “My love for you will never die!” and maybe a: “Fighting!” have buoyed his apology, illicit pictures of Chansung buying a pineapple have since arisen, and he has reportedly gone into hiding.

7. Netizens Accuse Hyosung of Being Elite Member of Illuminati

Hyosung Secret Controversy

Netizens were outraged today after watching Secret’s new interview on the 1theK program, #hashtag, where Hyosung gave troubling clues to her association with the secret government that controls every single human being on this planet. While Han Sunwha was excited about the choreography for their new single, “I’m in Love,” Hyosung was more excited for the upcoming one world government that would topple petty regimes and eliminate democracy from here to the western hemisphere. While Jung Hana had difficulty with the rap, Hyosung noted that the real difficulty would be taking down resistance fighters in jungle nations that house valuable natural resources. She also shaped her hands into a pyramid formation and said, “What we say, goes.” At press time, Hyosung has apologized for misusing terms she had no idea were associated with the shadow government.

6. Park Gyuri Sacrifices Baby Kara; Earns Eternal Beauty

Gyuri sacrifices Baby Kara

The leader of Kara faces possible criminal charges after an investigation determined that Park Gyuri sacrificed all seven members of Kara Project on a homemade altar of Kpop. The girls affectionately known as Baby Kara were found posed in positions of homage in Park’s living room with the blood drained from their bodies. In an exclusive interview, the twenty-six-year-old exonerated herself of any wrongdoing, stating that “No one is really going to miss Baby Kara anyways. And now my beauty is here for good.”

5. f(x) Disbands in Frustration: ‘No One Gets Our Math Jokes’

After months of rumors and cryptic statements by SM Entertainment, f(x) has finally revealed a full and immediate disbanding of the group. When asked why, Krystal threw her hands up in the air, stating, “No one gets us. It’s all been one big math joke, and no one gets it.” The group strongly asserted that the decision to disband had nothing to do with Sulli. In fact, according to Amber, “Sulli was one of the math jokes. Seriously? No one gets it?”

4. Crayon Pop Reveals Long-Awaited Sexy Concept

Crayon Pop Sexy Concept

Fans were appalled today as Crayon Pop unveiled their new sexy concept and video for “Bed Bed Bed” with the irresistible chorus, “Jumping (Into Bed with You)!” Wearing sparkly lingerie, accompanied with polka dotted pantyhose, and maybe the most erotic helmet that censors could allow, Crayon Pop’s choreography has already been banned from Music Bank and Music Core for being salaciously dangerous. So Yul has been criticized for her racy photo-spread that accompanied the special edition album, while Way’s rap lyrics, encouraging bdsm and even bestiality, have been banned nationwide. When asked for comment, the girls only responded with, “Fighting!” before shaking their bodies without inhibition or decency.

3. Sistar’s Hyolyn Seen at Airport; No Explanation

Fan uploads have shown clear evidence of Hyolyn at Incheon International Airport with no clear explanation given by Starship Entertainment. Though Sistar is not engaged in any current promotions, fans cite the circumstances as odd. “Why would Hyolyn go somewhere and not tell us?” Fans have gathered at airports across the world in solidarity, determined to find out where the idol ends up. “One thing that’s very obvious is that she’s at the airport. No one can deny that fact.”

2. Violence in B.A.P. Videos Linked to N. Korean Nuclear Armament

B.A.P. North Korea Violence

Tensions on the Korean peninsula have been running high since North Korea successfully demonstrated their nuclear missile capability last week. In an open letter to the world, Kim Jong-un listed the men of B.A.P. as the top six reasons for nuclear armament in North Korea. The dictator is quoted as saying, “I will not have my dreams, and the dreams of my children, upset by B.A.P.’s aggressive tactics and violent dance moves. The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea will not be intimidated by the war drum of Yong Guk’s voice.”

1. Show! Music Core! to Require Lip-syncing

In a complete reversal, MBC executives will now require all performers on Show! Music Core! to lip-sync while on stage. The requirement includes show hosts Kim Sohyun, Minho, and Zico. In a statement to the press, producer Park Hyun Suk held a voice changer to his mouth as he spoke. “We at MBC don’t want to hear another human’s natural voice ever again. It makes us gag.” Block B’s Zico responded positively to the challenge. “There’s so much work to do with voice changing. Auto-tune, for example, has almost never been done before anywhere ever. The future is very bright.”

2 comments:

  1. With some of these scandals I wasn't sure of the background on which you were playing, but I could take a guess. And I have to say, this was great writing - very witty stuff. I think my favourite line was in the Crayon Pop item. "When asked for comment, the girls only responded with, “Fighting!” before shaking their bodies without inhibition or decency." A great turn of words at the end there. Also liked the thing about f(x) being one big math joke. Actually, what on earth was the rationale for choosing that name anyway?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Snowfan! Our crew had a lot of fun writing these! Finding the humor in a year full of scandal really helped give us a little perspective. Maybe we'll revisit with a follow-up!

      And what *was* f(x) thinking with that name?

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